Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Having lived the majority of my life up to this point as a people pleaser, it's almost strange to me how my brain works. When placed in a situation in which I must make a decision that will affect both myself and someone else, my mind automatically gravitates towards which route would be most beneficial for the opposing person. My best interest never really crosses my mind. My feelings never really cross my mind. My desires never really cross my mind either. If I were to make a decision based upon what would benefit myself the most, wouldn't that make me selfish? It has only been a recent thing that I've realized that being selfless can actually turn into quite a downfall. When you have invested all of your time into making those around you happy, you forget how to make yourself happy. You lose sight of what even makes you happy. You tend to accept things as they come simply because you don't want to cause turmoil for the other party. Reading the words I'm typing almost makes me feel sick. I have spent the vast majority of my life living this way - morphing myself into the cookie cutter jigsaw piece that would perfectly fit into the empty space of someone's unhappiness, making them complete again. It didn't ever cross my mind that in doing so I was losing a little piece of myself.
While it would be almost unrealistic to make every decision only after you had rationalized through the benefits and weighed them against the downfalls for yourself, I think that it is in everyone's best interest to not completely surrender on issues that are particularly dear to you. Compromise is healthy in any relationship, but when it comes to morality issues, I simply will not budge. Does it make some people angry? Probably. Do people dislike me because of it? They very possibly could. But at the end of the day, which is more important to me: Knowing that I stayed true to myself or having the approval of someone else at the price of surrendering a little bit of who I am? Further, what is more important at the end of the day: Maintaining your own serenity and happiness or sacrificing it for the short-term happiness of someone else? I don't want to knock being considerate of others in any way, shape, or form with this post - but I do think that there is a fine line between being considerate and thoughtful and sacrificing your own well being by solely being motivated to people please. Afterall, can you really make anyone truly happy when you aren't happy yourself? Are you fully capable of loving someone if you don't fully love yourself?
I've reached a point in my life where I am done with trying to make people happy at the expense of myself. It's my turn to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be put first some times without feeling guilty about being "selfish".
Does anyone else struggle with remembering to take their own emotions into account?