Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Living in a Dream
Today I was texting my long-time BFF Ellie when I brought up the fact that I have zero motivation to do anything anymore...that I feel almost depressed, just minus the crying. I don't ever feel like going out and doing anything, but when I stay home all day I never want to do anything either. I keep telling myself that I need to get "x" done, but day in and day out "x" still remains untouched. It's frustrating, it's discouraging, and it's disheartening. But I almost can't help myself from withdrawing from my responsibilities - it seems like something greater than myself is at work here...stinking hormones/thingy-ma-jiggers that trigger your brain to feel sad/alone/depressed, go away! Ellie went on to tell me about how she just felt numb to everything and I immediately related. You see, Ellie has been going to college 5 hours away from our home town in ol' South Dakota - she's going through and has been through the same thing that I'm dealing with right now, except she had to brave the waters herself. Now here I am, down in Florida, 30 hours+ away from my family, and it's kicking my butt guys! Ellie and I both concluded that we were trapped in a dream...watching life happen, but not feeling emotionally attached or like it is our lives that we are living.
A case of homesickness? Could be. But stupid thoughts like "Wow, my sister will be 25 next year...that's 5 years away from being 30...think of how fast the 5 years prior to this one passed and think how fast these 5 years will fly by. Before I know it, my parents will be in their 60's and 70's..." and I typically force my brain to have an ADD spasm at that point - I really can't bare thinking about my parents getting old. And the fact that I'm going from being around them all day every day - being able to drive over to my dad's office with a Jimmy John's sub and just talk to him face to face, or surprising my mom by inviting her out to Chinese for lunch and picking up the tab, or making random Starbucks runs with my sister and our dogs...my sister pointed out to me earlier this evening that this will be the first summer we have ever not spent together...I'm about to lose it just typing this right now - gosh!
It's just so hard. Being on your own really makes you appreciate what you had when you were oblivious to all of the good surrounding you. Like my mom: She works full time and picks up shifts at another job some week nights and weekends, yet always managed to have dinner on the table for us. It's so painful to keep telling my mind that Hubby and Grizzly and Diezel are my prime focus now. I don't know how people do it. I don't understand how people can voluntarily up and move away from their parents and never blink an eye in doing so. I envy the people who are able to be born and raised in the same town or city, grow up in that same city, and go on to raise their own families minutes away from their parents.
People keep telling me to keep busy - it helps the time pass and keeps your mind off of missing people so much. I don't want to "busy work" my life away. Coming to terms with the fact that I'm only going to see my parents and sister a matter of two or three times per year is so difficult. Call me over dramatic, but it really makes me feel like I can't breathe. So other military spouses out there, I really need your wisdom right now - or anyone who has had to move away from their families and everything they have ever known. I keep trying to be optimistic and keep forcing these daunting thoughts from my mind, but that's no way to live your life. I want to enjoy where I am at right now and not have to put on a smile and keep trying to convince myself that I am happy at my precise location in life.
So sorry for raining on you guys with my cloud of gloom, but I'm just feeling so down - I had to get everything out so I could maybe *hopefully* get lucky and sleep tonight...if Hubby miraculously doesn't snore for once (don't count on it!)