Monday, April 9, 2012
I Don't Know Where I'm Going With This Post
The title really sums it up...I don't know where I am going with this post and I have no idea where it is going to end up, so please bear with me. I'm going to start by saying I feel like a jumbled mess right now. A million words are all darting around in my scattered brain, so here I am trying to rid myself of them by allowing them to escape via my fingertips, through the keyboard, and into my little corner of the bloggy world.
I am so insecure.
I am so self conscious.
There are so many things I dislike about myself.
I'm constantly at war with myself.
All it takes is one tiny, minute, unimportant statement to send me into a full blown, self-destructive, depressive whirlwind of tearing myself apart. All it takes is that one statement, regardless of the "no offense" intentions behind it, for painful words to break out of the corner of my mind that I've unsuccessfully tried to bury them in.
I've just never felt good enough. Good enough for anything or anyone. I've been doing so much better lately with actually beginning to like myself for the first time in my life, but I get sucked back into these ruts and I hate it. I'm insecure about everything. My weight. My social skills. My appearance. My relationships. Everything. I just want to crawl into bed and disappear under the covers some days. When people try to compliment me, I hear their words but they pass right through me. You know that fat girl everyone made fun of? The one people would compliment to their face and then turn around and bash in every way shape and form? That was me. That is me. I feel like I can't trust what people tell me...that they are secretly plotting for my humiliating ruin.
Can you really blame me, though? Can you genuinely sit there and wonder why my mind has become distorted like this? Because here is how I see it. Kids called me fat. Whether it was consciously or subconsciously, I took that "label" upon myself and took action based upon that label. I accepted that I was fat, not because of what a scale told me, but because of what these people told me. I lost weight in hopes of escaping the receiving end of those hurtful words. People have made fun of my looks and my personality, so I've worn makeup and attempted to "improve" myself. Regardless of a conscious adoption of these labels, they have become a part of who I am today. I am who I am today because of those hurtful labels and I feel like there will never be any escaping them. I have to fight those thoughts every day - I don't think I can fully express how much I hate it and how badly I wish I could just erase all of it from my memory. These words have skewed how I view myself (and the world) forever. I feel trapped and haunted.
My intentions behind this post were not for a glorified pity party or sympathy, so please don't respond with any comments of that regard (this is the one post I actually will be monitoring the comments on). I really just wanted to get all of these negative thoughts, feelings, and words out of me and as I'm sitting here, a complete blubbering mess, I feel relieved. I don't want anyone to ever be under the impression that my life is some perfect fantasy filled with just rainbows, sunshine, and beams of joy everywhere because it is most certainly not. I am only human and I do the best I can. Sometimes I lose it. The other 99% of the time, I'm a bubbly, blabbering, blissful being.
Thanks for listening.