Thursday, February 23, 2012
Control Freaks and Worry Warts Anonymos, Anyone?
The word "ugh" is really all I have today, care for a definition?
Ugh (pronounced uh-gah) exclamation; 1. A word used by Rachel when she is feeling completely overwhelmed, worried, anxious, scared, excited, emotional, and really has no other words to describe this hodge-podge of sensations. 2. An exclamation of frustration out of lack for a better word.
Why am I feeling so ugh? This move. I am moving one week from this Saturday...ONE WEEK! I have such mixed emotions about moving all the way to Florida. I mean, I have really never been away from home before without my sister, and even then I have never been away from home for more than a week or two. Things seem to be so unorganized and far from plotted out (although I have been informed numerous times that this is the "military" way). I am at a point where I feel positively panicked. I crave order. I strive for organization. I need a plan! Hubby, naturally, is the opposite. He was raised with the ability to "just roll with the punches"; I, on the other hand, most certainly was not. Every time I think of leaving my family: My parents, my sister, my dogs, the city in which I have spent the last 17 years of my life living, I just want to cry. I'm bound to have a breakdown one of these days, most likely one that is not far around the corner.
But then again, I know that if it weren't for the Air Force, for Hubby and I being required to move away, I honestly probably wouldn't ever leave this city or my parents. It's so hard because I feel like my parents have invested so much time into caring for and looking after me that I can't help but conclude that it's my turn to look after them now. I don't want to spend my life thousands of miles away from the ones whom I love so dearly and who are such a substantial part of who I am.
I haven't blatantly disclosed anything regarding my religious beliefs here yet, but in order to clearly and completely state what I am feeling at this point, I really need to say that the only true, steady source of strength, hope, and encouragement I have found through this journey thus far is the fact that I am not in control. It's as simple as that: There is nothing I can do to control my future, there is nothing I can do to alter my destiny. It is completely, 100% out of my hands, and that, my friends, is the only thing that is keeping me going. I am far from perfect. There are days when it seems like everything I touch or try to assist in helping to fix crumbles and becomes worse. But I am now realizing that none of this can be changed (for worse or for better) by little old me and I can rest assured that the situation is in much better hands. I find hope in that God will never leave my side or let me stray from His sight. Whatever happens in this life is all in accordance with His will and His purpose, not mine. The score board at this point is reading:
GOD: 1 RACHEL: 0
And I am fully okay with that. I may have no idea what Hubby and I's future holds, or heck, even what next 4 years in Florida has in store for us, but I do know that we are in very good hands. And although it is hard for me, this is one thing that I am RELIEVED to give up on. I'm done being a control freak-worry wart. I know that right where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.